"Ms. Damron - you need a loooong vacation."

I woke up this morning and KNEW I would cry at some point. I think my before-work snapchat said something like, "...do I cry now or later?" and I texted someone else saying it's just a matter of WHEN I cry, not if.

That moment came in front of 30 kids and a substitute teacher.

In all fairness, I have cried in front of my students before. Yes, I cry when I laugh really hard, but those aren't the tears I'm talking about. I remember my first year teaching I had a particularly difficult Writing Skills class and after yet ANOTHER day where they were squirrelly and bored and overall unengaged and uncaring, I broke down in front of them and asked why they wouldn't let me teach them. I can't say it was my most shining moment, but I feel like it was a monumental moment in my understanding of teaching.
Then there was the time that I thought I had lost one of the ipads in my class set and I straight up LOST ALL CONTROL of my emotions - I was crazy girl sobbing and it wasn't pretty. I called various classrooms and re-gathered my students and asked to check their backpacks in case one of them had stolen it. Later, the ipad was found on my desk under something. To this day, my fellow teacher friends who were aware of that experience think I was just a little on the crazy side and didn't see it, but I swear it wasn't there when I initially looked for it. One of those students I pulled back into class brought that occurrence up at least every other month for the next year and a half that I had her. So yes, I've been through the whole "crying in front of your students" thing before.

This public cry was brewing about a week ago when I found out that my co-teacher [of this class] was in the ICU. It's a pretty private affair and the family doesn't want a lot of details to go around. Therefore, no one has details - which means I field questions on the daily and have been pushing through without her. Oh how I miss her. I had talked to her briefly after school on Friday and things were just normal - we were beyond relieved it was the weekend! I've never had someone close to me end up in the ICU unable to communicate and on her literal death bed. I've had quite the range of emotions, but last Monday was a dark and gloomy day for me.
Anyway, this is not the reason for this post, but any prayers you can say in her behalf would be greatly appreciated. (And while you're at it, if you could mention me, I could use aaaaallll the extra help right now.)
I knew the direction of what we were teaching for the rest of November, so I took it on myself to create lesson plans and carry on. Our math department head has been creating sub plans, but she is teaching her own classes and the sub plans are pretty basic. Plus, nothing can replace a TEACHER. The show must go on, so I have been doing my best.

Today was week 2 without her and the kids still haven't received any information. They just know she is "sick." It's not easy to be the interim teacher. Co-teachers, despite being in the room and having "equal" power with the other teacher, don't have the same kind of power. The general education teacher is the one with his/her name on the schedule. Class is held in his/her classroom. That teacher is the "teacher of record" with the content knowledge. They hold a lot of responsibility. My students respect me, but I'm not THE teacher, so it's been a difficult transition, but I still can't say that I'm in charge because no one knows what's happening. So basically I am on Survivor every day and we are just trying to get through this together. Overall, I would give the kids gold stars because they are doing a really great job.

I spent HOURS preparing for just a few lessons for this week and when I started teaching today, the class was distracted, unengaged, and in general shambles. I had to rearrange the desks because they weren't in the order they should be in, kids complained that they didn't have their notebooks (if I hear one more "I lost my notebook" story, I'm going to go buck wild on the whole operation! *name that reference*), and there were two different groups THAT WOULD NOT STOP TALKING. Holy cow. I am not a screamer or a yeller, so for about 60 minutes, I walked up to those kids or asked them to stop talking at least every 10-15 minutes. (For those of my PBIS friends, I can't say I gave precision commands with consequences - again, it's not my classroom and I don't even know where to begin with consequences with these kids...#sos.) At least I didn't scream and yell like I've seen other teachers do. I politely, but firmly asked them to take out their notebooks and take notes.

On yet another occasion of me asking them to stop talking, I was talking to one student in particular when he looked around the room and emphatically told me that he was bored - most of the class was bored. Why was I getting upset at him talking when so and so was on his phone, that kid wasn't paying attention, those kids in the back wouldn't shut up, etc. I calmly told him that I wasn't focusing on them at the moment, I was focusing on him and would he please stop talking...
I walked back up to the front and said, "Alright guys - I know that half of you are bored - maybe more than half of you, and that's okay. But I worked reeeeeeaaaallllyyy hard to think about how I can help you guys learn and practice this skill so that you guys can actually learn. I've watched you guys sit passively for months now - and it's time to take some action and consideration for your learning. Also, [and this is where it happened] I'm having a really hard time and I miss Ms. XXXX. I'm a little emotional about this because I don't know anything either, but I'm trying so hard to teach you guys and you just don't care. You won't stop talking. I don't know what to do."

Honesty. It gets me every time.

This is where one of the sweetest things I've ever seen happened. Two kids (a girl and a boy) in the very back looked at each other, nodded, then rushed up to the front and hugged me. The class did a sort of quiet cheer and told the punk kids to check themselves and STOP TALKING. It was truly the sweetest gesture and I don't think I will every forget it.

Not to put a damper on the ending of this story, but less than ten minutes later, that girl and the boy I initially talked to went at it and had to be removed from class because they almost got in a fight. There was MAJOR screaming in the hall to the point where all the other teachers in the hall stepped out of their classrooms for a second to see if everything was okay. My kids rushed to the door to watch what was happening. I had to stand in front of the door just to keep kids from forming an audience.

I guess we should trust those morning feelings when it comes to crying; still, a girl can only HOPE that she can keep things under wrap until she's in private. Maybe next time.

To end the day, one of the kids in my resource class said, "Ms. Damron, you need a looooong vacation."

You're not wrong kid, you're not wrong.

-Ms. Damron-

Rap music

A couple of days ago, my last period was strangely subdued. One girl had a headache, another girl put her head on her desk and wouldn't open up about whatever was bothering her, another student was sad and opened up to me about all sorts of things (a friend was mad at him at lunch, he feels like he doesn't have any friends and can't be himself, and he's bummed he doesn't have a girlfriend), and the other three students were just eerily quiet. During that class period I decided I would rather have a wild, crazy class, than that scary quiet class.

As a way to lighten the mood, I told my class I was going to play a song for them. I told them to listen carefully to the words as I pushed play for Ingrid Michaelson's "Be Okay."

*silence*
*awkward stares*
*no change in atmosphere*

I personally love that song, but we aren't in Kansas (or Utah) anymore my friends! I used to play songs for my students all the time and some would sing along and laugh at my silly song choices. This is a different crowd and one student finally said,

"If you want to make us happy, you need to play rap music."

#shutdown #newculture #notinkansasanymore

-Ms. Damron-

"Stay Bubbly"

Let me introduce Monica - a sped teacher who also attended Brigham Young University (BYU) and recently moved here from Utah Valley. Her husband is attending Washington University and miraculously we are working at the same school. I don't believe in coincidences as big as this one, so I KNOW that Monica and I were meant to meet and work at the same school. It's fun because Monica was in the same cohort as the student teacher I had exactly one year ago. She lovingly calls me her "BYU mentor" all the way in the midwest. I of course love that. #gocougars

We have quickly bonded over the culture shock of moving from a fairly conservative suburban area to an inner city with a lot of diversity. Just this afternoon we were discussing a new cultural discovery: students here have to have the last word. I used to be able to calm a child or at least distill an argument with one or two prompts and a calm voice. Teacher presence was an effective strategy and considering I had established rules/routines and moved around the classroom a lot, I had a decent grasp on classroom management and didn't have extreme behavior issues.
Cue the new setting: today I had a student lose it on another student (who in all honesty may have deserved it, but then again, who deserves to be yelled at?) who apparently kept making comments and annoying him. I intervened by placing myself between the two students (who were sitting in desks) and calmly telling the yelling student to calm down, stop yelling, tell me what happened, etc. I was a glass wall that he saw right through. He continued his rant as he packed up his bag and walked out of my classroom. He never even looked at me. #cool
This particular situation hasn't happened until today, but I have been overlooked maybe 5 or 6 times in the past three weeks while students finish their conversations. #wut #norespect

ANYWAY, last Tuesday Monica and I were returning to the school in the afternoon to attend a student's volleyball game #support #buildingrelationships, when one of the instructional coaches asked me if I would be willing to be in charge of a club (National Honor's Society). It's apparently more about a tutoring opportunity than anything else. I had been willing to be in charge of a club, but didn't know what was available. I said I would think about it. The instructional coach then told me I was one of their first draft picks. I jokingly told her that I didn't know if I believed her considering I am a first year teacher and it probably means no one else wanted it. She then looked very seriously at both of us and said, "Listen. There is a stigma in [this] district and people get really negative about things. You girls need to stay bubbly. STAY BUBBLY."
Monica and I walked away deciding we would make that our motto this year. Despite what happens or how often we face the challenges of a new district, culture, demographic, etc. we will "stay bubbly."

-Ms. Damron-

A millenial's perspective

I love my phone. You could easily say I fall into the category of "obsessed and borderline addicted" to my phone. I don't like it when it's in the other room. I don't like it when it's on the kitchen table and I'm on the couch. BUT I KNOW WHEN TO BE POLITE.

I don't wear headphones while my teacher is talking. I don't blast music through my headphones while my teacher is talking. I don't take a phone call on speaker phone when I'm two feet away from my teacher who is talking and going over the assignment. I also don't pretend that I can't hear my teacher when she asks me to take off my headphones and put my phone away. I also also don't play a game while wearing my headphones while the teacher is talking.
All of the above incidences have happened - in the last two days.

Phone issues with teenagers are not a new challenge unique to this area or demographic. My last school had issues with this all the time! Still, they fell on the side of phones being banned from school and therefore not allowed to be in class, in the hallways, etc.

One of the biggest culture shocks here was the obvious phone usage in the halls (and in the classrooms). Students are taking pictures, talking on the phone, texting, snapping, etc. in the halls AND IN THE CLASSROOM while the teacher is teaching. Students position themselves in a seat by an outlet so that they can charge their phone during class. Students straight up ignore the teacher's instructions to put the phones away. Students take pictures of each other across the room in the middle of a lesson (I've seen this in my co-taught class).

**I do want to note that I realize that the power is in the teacher's expectations. I co-teach in a class where excessive phone usage is not a big issue. This class is also full of freshmen who are young and slightly more amenable to teacher demands.**

Today I had two interesting experiences.

(1) A student entered my classroom with his headphones in and music on (this was my first mistake). Class started and students were expected to complete the warm up assignment on the board. His music was audible through his headphones a couple of feet away. He ignored my prompts to take his headphones out and put his phone away. While discussing the warm up and prompting him to get started, he TOOK A PHONE CALL ON SPEAKER PHONE. I was truly appalled. What was happening at this point? I made an effort to "guide" his hand toward hanging up and putting his phone away, but I'm not allowed to touch the student or his property, so I couldn't really do anything. I attempted to give prompts and ignore his behavior (he was clearly testing me) while also praising the surrounding kids for ignoring and working hard on the task at hand. The student eventually took out his headphones, but later used his headphones during the independent practice (which I told him he could do). He still kept the headphones in while I talked to him.

(2) Today was our school's first Character Ed Advisory period (held once a month). Two teachers are given 25 random students and are supposed to lead character building lessons. While I introduced the discussion topic and welcomed the kids to the class, at least 4 kids had BOTH headphones in their ears. We were creating our class norms (rules) together (with very little success - kids were not responding at all) when a kid mentioned phones. As I broached the topic of politeness with phones and when to use them or not, I had to ask kids, some MORE THAN THREE times, to take out their headphones and put their phones away. One kid heard me, then purposely chose to keep his headphones in. My partner teacher went over to him and asked him to put his phone away. He pretended not to hear her and continued to play his game until she finally got through. Other kids were giggling at this point.

Here's the main issue people - I never wanted to sound like the older generation (no offense to my "older generation" friends) that say things like, "Kids and their phones - they are obsessed. They are so disrespectful. They can't even have real conversations...etc. etc." But I get it. I am truly shocked at the audacity of kids to blatantly disrespect teachers with regards to phone use. What is HAPPENING with kids these days? How do we instill general politeness in a generation of device-addicted teenage youths?

S.O.S.
Help.
#why

-Ms. Damron-

Popularity Contest?

I am determined to maintain a decent bedtime, so I have to be in my bed in 12 minutes - which seems impossible considering I still need to do the getting ready for bed part - so that's cool. :/

I don't want to forget this small bright moment while it lasts, so here's a story for you.

While I was at my door today (all teachers are expected to be at their doors inviting students in and monitoring the halls), a teacher in my hall passed by and said,

"You are winning the popularity contest! What are you doing in that room?!!!"
She then leaned in and said that one particularly difficult student likes me and THAT is a victory for sure.

I stopped by her classroom after school to introduce myself because I didn't even know her name yet and she said that she has had several students TODAY tell her that they really like me and my class. She asked what kind of snacks I was passing out or what was going on, but she joked that I was winning the popularity contest!

In all seriousness though, she then talked about developing relationships and how important that is. She told me that those students' reactions is a sign that I am a good teacher [meaning I build relationships].

Talk about a solid first week of school.

-Ms. Damron-

P.S. 8 minutes until bedtime...

Snapshots

Surprise surprise - I should be doing some sort of work (in all fairness, I tried to set up my website but I couldn't log in - that is NOT a surprise), but here we are again. Blogging. I regret nothing.

My first two days of instruction I didn't have posted rules and part way through my most difficult class, I realized I would have to change my lesson because a couple of students had to leave early to catch a special bus and I really wanted them to be there for my growth mindset lesson. In lay person terms - posted rules and explicit instruction about said rules is very common to include during the first day of class. I did nothing that I normally do on the first day and I didn't hate it, but I felt a little naked. Teaching and posting expectations is like your defense. It's your safety net, your structure, your back up, your everything. I didn't create my rules because I needed to meet my population. I was dealing with a new demographic and I had to feel it out. After the first round of A/B classes, I felt like I knew what I was getting into. I didn't have a black hole in my vision of what this school year would be like regarding my students. I finally had a small sliver of first impressions and that could get me through the beginning phase of being a new teacher.

In hopes of creating a mental picture, these are some snap shots of my first day(s) at my high school in an inner city:

There is no central air conditioning. Classrooms have window units and most of them work. If yours doesn't work, you are pretty much forced to find another classroom because the sweltering heat is not conducive to any type of learning. Fortunately, my window unit has worked just fine. Along those same lines, it can be hard to hear kids because the window unit is blasting all the time.
The hallway, stairways, and bathrooms are truly warm and muggy, but the staff bathroom feels like the heat is turned on high. I will be in the bathroom (which is located on the 4th floor - I am on the 2nd floor) for less than 5 minutes and will leave with a fine sheen of sweat all over my body and particularly my forehead and upper lip.

My class sizes are just right: 6-9 students. I was shocked (and nervous) to discover that I would be teaching every grade. I thought I was just getting grades 9/10. For some reason, that was comforting to me. I have taught middle school and those grades seemed closer to my comfort zone. My
Pre-Algebra class has mixed 9/10 graders (mostly 9th graders) and my Geometry classes have 11/12 graders (mostly 11th graders). With the exception of a couple of sassy upper classmen, my students worked hard and were respectful.
One 12th grader said within the first 10 minutes of class, "So was your school in Utah mostly white kids?" *after a short pause of shock* "Well, I wouldn't classify it as primarily anything." "What I'm asking is if there were mostly white kids in your school? Or were there black people?" "Well, I guess you could say it was primarily Caucasian with a larger Hispanic population..." "Okay, so it was mostly white with maybe a couple of black kids. WELL, in case you haven't noticed, there are mostly African-American students at this school, so that's what you're going to get."
Um. Yes. Thank you kindly for pointing that out.
And in case you were wondering, demographic-wise, out of my 30(ish) students, maybe 5 of them are Caucasian. Our school has a fairly diverse population though, including a large number of ELL (English Language Learners) kids. It's neat to hear that kids are from Afghanistan, the Congo, Rwanda, Mexico, etc.
*And just so you know - I am really enjoying teaching all grades. I'm excited to see where the year takes us!*

I am BEYOND blessed to have a promethean board (a smart board) that works well, is good quality, and allows my classroom to have so much more than whiteboards (or in my case - chalkboards) can provide. This board also has the speakers on the side, which my last promethean board did not. #win It also feels so good to be familiar with something considering how unfamiliar I am with everything else.
I basically lived a paperless classroom life for the first few days because I didn't know how to print anything and now that we have to bring our own paper to copy machines and I didn't know how to sign in to the copiers (and I don't have my chip yet), I was just nervous and never had time to figure it out. Today I got both a classroom printer (another WIN) and made my first copies. It feels good to finally figure out a few things!

I truly DO NOT like our email system (Outlook - not a gmail based email) or grading system/IEP program. These are not user friendly or aesthetically pleasing programs. I kind of avoid my emails because the set up isn't my favorite (but don't worry - I'm still a professional that reads and sends emails) and I have no clue how to use my "grade book" application other than to take attendance. I never thought I would say that I miss PowerSchool, but I do. The screens seemed brighter (that could be because we had Mac computers, not just Dell) and the icons were all right where I could easily access them. Also, how wonderful was it to be able to view students' IEP goals and accommodations right on that application? I have to go through my classes and caseload and find all of their goals and accommodations and email them out to teachers. I usually emailed teachers to let them know that I was a case manager, but it makes me nervous that the general education teachers can't look up that information on their own. That puts a lot of pressure on me to make sure that they get all of that information and stay compliant and law-abiding.

Finally, I cannot tell you how kind people have been. Today my promethean remote stopped working and I couldn't find a button on the projector to turn it on. I figured it was the batteries and sent out an email asking for batteries. Supplies are hard to come by, so I offered to return the batteries. So many teachers offered batteries and some sent me an entire box (a little box, but still) of AAA batteries. One of the other math teachers came down during his prep to help me figure out my remote. Sadly nothing worked, but the tech guy was there within 15-20 minutes and he replaced my remote.

I love the people here - students, staff, teachers, etc. I am excited to be a teacher in this school district and will keep you posted on my first year in the inner city!

-Ms. Damron-

Kind of like a first kiss

Guys. I legit do not have time to write this post, but just like a first kiss can only happen one time and then the feeling is gone, so is a teacher's first day in a new district - new school - new demographic, etc.
It's almost 9:00 pm, I haven't technically eaten dinner, and I don't know what I'm teaching tomorrow. That 5:30 am wake up call is coming oh so soon.

I needed to write this post to document what I'm feeling the night before school starts. I can't say I can even categorize what I'm feeling. I will have to write a catch-up post on all of the happenings over the past two weeks, but suffice it to say, I feel more tired than I have every felt at the beginning of the school year. After one of the most strenuous and demanding school years of my life, immediately followed by a jam packed summer concluding with moving and literally going to a meeting my first full day in St. Louis, I am TIRED. Exhausted. Fatigued. Sleepy. Overworked. Run-down. HAGGARD. *thank you thesaurus.com for helping me put into words how I'm feeling*

I don't necessarily feel nervous. I have the usual anxiousness that comes with a new school year, but I mostly don't know what to expect. I haven't outlined my management plan, because I don't know what will work for my high school, urban population. Will they laugh at my attempts to create structure? Will they flat out tell me that my consequences are stupid? Will they ignore me, hate me, and walk all over me? I guess that's a real possibility. Am I nervous because for the first time since I lived on an Indian reservation during my elementary years, I will be a minority? Does that even matter? Can I earn my students' respect and love just by being me? How hard will this school year really be classroom management-wise? I have so many questions - many of which I refuse to speak out loud because I don't want to sound ignorant or inept.

I chatted with the teacher next door for a few years asking her about how long she had been teaching and we launched into a conversation about her job history, including 20 years in St. Louis Public Schools. she started as an aide in a computer classroom at a middle school. She related that she had been sworn at, cussed at, and generally shot down by the students on a regular basis. Finally another teacher came in and used choice language to tell her that she needed to get her a** out of that chair and toughen up. She was too nice and she smiled too much. He told her that she shouldn't smile until Christmas. Then, in a matter-of-fact way, she said that she toughened up and it got better.
Me: "What do you mean you toughened up? Like you kept to your consequences?"
Neighbor: "No - they don't care about your consequences! I toughened up - I didn't let them walk all over me.:
Me: "Well what does that look like? I feel like I don't let my kids walk all over me, but I'm not so sure what that really looks like here. Do I actually stand my ground? I don't know..."

That's the first time I got a little nervous - in my naivety, am I truly in for a rude awakening? Only time will tell,

BUT here's the thing. I refuse to agree that you have to be hard, tough, and "not smile until Christmas" in order to earn respect and maintain control of your students. Regardless of the demographic: suburban, rural, urban, etc., kids are kids. They have different backgrounds maybe, but they need love, structure, and high expectations. I can absolutely do all of those things. In fact, I feel fairly confident in my ability to accomplish all of those things this year. Will there be moments of doubt, exhaustion, and break downs with lots of tears? Of course.
After sharing this story and my fears with the snapchat and instagram worlds, these are some of the comments I got today:
"You do you. She [the neighbor teacher] can be hard or whatever - but you do  you."
"You need a UT vs St. Louis hashtag. Like all the differences, good and bad. You've got this.
"I don't believe in the whole 'don't smile until Christmas' mentality. You do your thing, girl!"
"Be your smiley self...take control of your classroom like you always do."

Thank you, everyone, for your support, love, and reminders that I don't need to change myself to see success in the classroom. My kids need ME, the frank, real, sometimes blunt, loving ME.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring (like literally - who knows - I've been writing this instead of lesson planning), but regardless, an adventure is awaiting!

-Ms. Damron-