Guys. I legit do not have time to write this post, but just like a first kiss can only happen one time and then the feeling is gone, so is a teacher's first day in a new district - new school - new demographic, etc.
It's almost 9:00 pm, I haven't technically eaten dinner, and I don't know what I'm teaching tomorrow. That 5:30 am wake up call is coming oh so soon.
I needed to write this post to document what I'm feeling the night before school starts. I can't say I can even categorize what I'm feeling. I will have to write a catch-up post on all of the happenings over the past two weeks, but suffice it to say, I feel more tired than I have every felt at the beginning of the school year. After one of the most strenuous and demanding school years of my life, immediately followed by a jam packed summer concluding with moving and literally going to a meeting my first full day in St. Louis, I am TIRED. Exhausted. Fatigued. Sleepy. Overworked. Run-down. HAGGARD. *thank you thesaurus.com for helping me put into words how I'm feeling*
I don't necessarily feel nervous. I have the usual anxiousness that comes with a new school year, but I mostly don't know what to expect. I haven't outlined my management plan, because I don't know what will work for my high school, urban population. Will they laugh at my attempts to create structure? Will they flat out tell me that my consequences are stupid? Will they ignore me, hate me, and walk all over me? I guess that's a real possibility. Am I nervous because for the first time since I lived on an Indian reservation during my elementary years, I will be a minority? Does that even matter? Can I earn my students' respect and love just by being me? How hard will this school year really be classroom management-wise? I have so many questions - many of which I refuse to speak out loud because I don't want to sound ignorant or inept.
I chatted with the teacher next door for a few years asking her about how long she had been teaching and we launched into a conversation about her job history, including 20 years in St. Louis Public Schools. she started as an aide in a computer classroom at a middle school. She related that she had been sworn at, cussed at, and generally shot down by the students on a regular basis. Finally another teacher came in and used choice language to tell her that she needed to get her a** out of that chair and toughen up. She was too nice and she smiled too much. He told her that she shouldn't smile until Christmas. Then, in a matter-of-fact way, she said that she toughened up and it got better.
Me: "What do you mean you toughened up? Like you kept to your consequences?"
Neighbor: "No - they don't care about your consequences! I toughened up - I didn't let them walk all over me.:
Me: "Well what does that look like? I feel like I don't let my kids walk all over me, but I'm not so sure what that really looks like here. Do I actually stand my ground? I don't know..."
That's the first time I got a little nervous - in my naivety, am I truly in for a rude awakening? Only time will tell,
BUT here's the thing. I refuse to agree that you have to be hard, tough, and "not smile until Christmas" in order to earn respect and maintain control of your students. Regardless of the demographic: suburban, rural, urban, etc., kids are kids. They have different backgrounds maybe, but they need love, structure, and high expectations. I can absolutely do all of those things. In fact, I feel fairly confident in my ability to accomplish all of those things this year. Will there be moments of doubt, exhaustion, and break downs with lots of tears? Of course.
After sharing this story and my fears with the snapchat and instagram worlds, these are some of the comments I got today:
"You do you. She [the neighbor teacher] can be hard or whatever - but you do you."
"You need a UT vs St. Louis hashtag. Like all the differences, good and bad. You've got this.
"I don't believe in the whole 'don't smile until Christmas' mentality. You do your thing, girl!"
"Be your smiley self...take control of your classroom like you always do."
Thank you, everyone, for your support, love, and reminders that I don't need to change myself to see success in the classroom. My kids need ME, the frank, real, sometimes blunt, loving ME.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring (like literally - who knows - I've been writing this instead of lesson planning), but regardless, an adventure is awaiting!
-Ms. Damron-
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